How to Fight Like a Pro! Conflict Resolution and Forgiveness

You encounter conflict in many ways, ranging from the business place to at home, from your boss to your children.  Learning how to deal with that conflict is an important part of life.  We can either be the person in the yelling fight who loses respect from everyone involved, or we can be the person who can take an interaction and grow from it with both people leaving the interaction feeling heard.  It is your choice.  When people yell and argue no one wins.

 

1.  Listen.  Instead of yelling back or instantly coming up with a rebuttal or deflections, listen to what the other person is saying.  This does not mean bide your time thinking up retaliations or how they are wrong.  Just actively listen to them and let them know they are heard.

 

2.  Understand.  Take some time if you need.  Step away from the conversation to logically process if you feel like you are in a place of anger.  Next take note of outside influencers, is this person tired, hungry, or stressed?  We are not at our best when under those influences and those triggers can make us say things we would normally would not.  Next sort through the things that they said,  try to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they are coming from and what validity their stance may have.  What things are just a disagreement of opinion? Or are they genuinely wrong or misinformed?  Do research to help find the truth if needed.  Very rarely do you have a conflict where it is all one person’s fault or one person is %100 correct.

 

3. Rebuttal.  Decide if you need to say something.  Sometimes after you understand where the other person is coming from you can just let it go or change your choices in the future.  However many times we need to give feedback for a resolution.  Try to approach them in a positive way to make them more receptive.  Start with the points you agree with them on, even if the only way to say it honestly is that you would agree with them if you were in their shoes.  Make yourself heard but do so rationally, not by measure of volume.

 

4. Healing and Forgiveness. First off let it die.  If you value the relationship with the person that you had a disagreement with, try to talk about it as little as possible, talking about it only reinforces negative feelings and lets you dwell in the disagreement.  The exception to this is if you are speaking with someone, like a therapist, who will try to help you with step #2 Understanding.  Try to focus on anything productive you got out of the interaction whenever your mind drifts to the topic.  If your mind drifts to something negative try to remember their viewpoint. If they were in a trigger mindset where they likely regret what they said or did, look for what they are doing now that proves their actual feelings.

 

5. Forget.  You can forget if you want to, or in the case of more major incident think of it drastically less.  Forgetting can be helpful if you are trying to move on from something with someone whom you value, or without them for yourself.   The less you dwell on something slowly it will occupy less and less of your brain.  If you are reminded of something, let it pass, do not bring it up.  Remember there is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting someone or something, and ignoring bad behavior.

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